Rewrite a section from a book

The following is an rewrite for a section of a book. this was an assignment for class. The book is David Bischoff's STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION: GROUNDED. This is a pocket books publication, number 25 in the series.

The door slowly gave under the pressure from outside. Creases began to appear along its seams. At the sound of the doors groan, the signal of a failing barricade, Data took a step back. The muk had detected a small opening in the crease and began to pull itself through. The groan became a scream, as the doors metal was slowly pulled apart by the persistent viscous being. Data quickly scanned the room; with no other plans of escape he adjusted his phaser for combat and decided to hold his ground. The muk had made it into the room but stopped short of where Data stood. It began folding in on itself, creating complex chains and utilizing particles it had come across. Data scanned the muk and noticed that it had created a cavity of air, and at one end were two hardened sections. The muk rose and collapsed in on itself, forcing the air through the sections. In this way, the muk spoke to him.

“I have pierced your computers I have a mode of communication now if I like you are Data.”

The words came out monotone, following no sense of speech pattern, or proper enunciation, but

Data understood it otherwise. The being was formidable, and it was learning. Quickly.
At this, the muk grew into a humanoid shape, mimicking Data’s combat stance.

“Rights? I grow. I become. That is my right, and that is my way. I hunger I devour. This vessel…”

It turned its ‘head’ in a full circle, slightly distorting the sound of its voice.

“is mine. All these vessels I sense about me… The Great Metal Planet. They shall be mine as well. You are good life too. You will help me destroy the bad life.”

ORIGINAL
The door burst open.
Data stepped back. The stuff poured in like thick, dark molasses clotted with dirt and quartz. Its skin shone in the light.
It poured in, collecting into a pile before Data smelling of minerals. He adjusted his phaser and aimed.
There were no other exits from this room. He would have to make a stand here.
However, instead of roiling toward him, the clay stopped. Slowly it drew into itself, lifting up from the ground and transforming into a humanoid shape. It looked like an animated statue.
It began to speak, though guttural and monotone fashion.

“I… have… pierced your computers. I have a mode of communication now if I like you are Data…”

“That is correct. And do you have a name?”

“I am good life. I sense that you are partly good life as well…”

“I am principally inorganic in nature, if that is what you mean.”

“You seek to destroy me. Why?”

“I seek to neutralize you. You have threatened my ship. However, now that communication has been established, perhaps an understanding can be reached. The Federation I represent has a high regard for life in all its varieties.”

“I am free… I am…unfettered. The universe stands before me and my reflections-ours. Good life shall triumph and grow and nurture the Holiness. Bad life shall be extinguished. This is Truth and Wholeness. Purity shall pervade the Cosmos.”

“I do not quite understand what you’re saying, but let me explain to you that the Federation recognizes your rights as a living being.”
“Rights? I grow. I become. That is my right, and that is my way. I hunger I devour. This vessel…is mine. All these vessels I sense about me… The Great Metal Planet. They shall be mine as well. You are good life too. You will help me destroy the bad life.”

REASON FOR CHANGE
First of all, I like star trek and all that science fiction stuff very much. But when things aren’t very well explained, or when a few crucial details are amiss, the story just seems to appear as another “contract filler”. A book written just because the company needs a new story and the author, no disrespect intended, rushed his way through it. I decided to be more visual and give more explanation to this specific section. I know the original way it was written leaves room for imagination, to move the story along, but I think it is important to be descriptive when introducing a character.